🗿 Mount Rushmore: Athletes Who Looked Out of Shape… But Cooked Everybody Anyway
- Damien St.Pierre
- Nov 15, 2025
- 2 min read
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🗿 Mount Rushmore: Athletes Who Looked Out of Shape… But Cooked Everybody Anyway
Presented by Precision AgraSpray (they spray crops, not hamstrings)
If you’ve ever watched sports and thought:
“There’s no way that dude runs faster than me…”
and then he drops 30, hits 3 homers, or knocks someone into 1947 — this episode is for you.
This week, the boys debate the greatest athletes who looked like they’d lose a footrace to a recliner but STILL dominated their sport. And yes, feelings were hurt. Muting occurred. Google was abused.
Top moments include:
🍕 Charles Barkley – “Round Mound of Rebound,” ate like eight pizzas at a time and still baptized people in the paint.
🍔 Cecil Fielder – The Detroit Tigers legend who looked like he trained at Golden Corral and still smashed 50 homers.
🚬 John Daly – Golfed with diet soda in one hand and America's respect in the other.
🍺 Babe Ruth – Apparently only 215 lbs, which means either his scale was a liar or 1920s hotdogs had steroids in them.
🥱 Nikola Jokic – Moves like he just woke up from a nap but is the best basketball player since Kobe.
🥃 David Wells – Pitched a perfect game looking like he ate the other pitcher.
🍩 Bartolo “Big Sexy” Colon – Hit a home run once and the internet shut down.
🍞 Jared Lorenzen – The Hefty Lefty, the Pillsbury Throwboy, an American hero. RIP.
🧀 Cici Sabathia – Captain Cheeseburger himself.
🍀 Butterbean – The Alabama pound-for-pound king of four-round brawls.
⚽ Diego Maradona – 5’2”, 275 lbs, and still better at soccer than all of us combined.
Honorable mentions included: Refrigerator Perry, Moe Vaughn, Escalade from AND1, Sebastian Janikowski (the only kicker built like a nightclub bouncer), and even Donald Trump, champion golfer in his own mind.
🔥 Arguments broke out.
🔥 People got muted.
🔥 Someone said Babe Ruth wasn't fat enough (disrespectful but hilarious).
🔥 Case law was nearly cited.
If you’ve ever believed deep in your heart that you too could be a professional athlete if they’d just let you warm up properly, this segment is your truth.
➡️ Tap play. Laugh. Send to a friend built like Bartolo Colon.
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